broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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