South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry about my life...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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