Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Boobs are out for the taking
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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