Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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