if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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