Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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