idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
