The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
