So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
