i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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