Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
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i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
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Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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