I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
