My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
