god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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