i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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