Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize