I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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