You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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