There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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