Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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