i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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