WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
