So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
