I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The feeling are messing with the penis
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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