My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
