I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Holy shit dude........stairs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
