You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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