Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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