matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
