fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
