I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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