it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
