i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
