she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
