i think my mom watched the whole time
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
