You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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