Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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