Joe is yelling at the trees again.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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