i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
