I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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