Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
