I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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