So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
