I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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