Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
