Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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