My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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