I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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