I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
