She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
