Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
