I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
