Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
