i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did we literally take a cab across the street
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
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attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.