I cockslap morals
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
