dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night