from now on my penis is your penis
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.