She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?