dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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