today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
