i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
