I haven't been this sober since birth.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
