I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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