time to smoke my breakfast
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
